I feel it in my fingers/I feel it in my toes/Love is all around me

Oh! Don’t worry, it’s not meeee! BUT it’s all around me: all the people around me have it, have had it, lost it, are tackling it, are at least hoping to find it…in a word, they are somehow relating to the feeling of romantic love. Which is great and, at the same time, disturbing. I’ve been wandering lately whether my heart is in the right place. Do I even have it? :) I cannot apparently…love.
Oh! How do I miss those days when conversation with the person I was infatuated with (not in love) literally sent me to the 7th (?) heaven…’I believe I can fly’ and I wasn’t stoned, either.
I think people actually need these endorphins to keep them going. One needs the feeling of anticipation, the crescendo, the climax and the adrenalin rush. They are complex physical reactions that the body and the brain need to be able to go on day after day after day.
So what is it that we are left with if we do not have it (romantic love) anymore? Is it a void? Is it a replacement, another ‘object worth the constancy’? I have to confess that I am confused: I have tried to understand what happened to me in the last several months. I’ve been in denial, in pain, in confusion, and the last state seems to last the longest. Maybe I am actually in love with being in love, and not with an actual person. Well, it must be a definite this one, not a maybe.
Truth be told, I have no idea what romantic love means (practically:) ), which is in itself rather sad.
Coming back to the train of thought developed previously, I am thinking about love as I feel the imminent death approaching fast. Hopefully, I’m not midlife (so not midlife crisis here), but I’ve definitely spent around 30% of my life on utter nonsense, doing things that I HAD to do, always approaching people, situations, and even my own feelings in a MUST DO way. Surprisingly, I find joy in a lot of small things around me. The problem is that sometimes, like these days, I ‘wake up’ and feel very, very confused. Me and Gauguin have the same problem: where do we come from? Who are we? Where are we going? Usually, for me, the emphasis is on now, on the ‘who am I’? And this is because I usually define myself in relation to the road, in relation to a mission, in relation to an action. When I pause to think, when I’ve lost the mission, or when I’m confused about the road to be taken, I have problems defining who I am. So the traveler is defined be the road he/she takes.
This is one of the moments in my life when I realize I have no idea where I want to be, in 10 to 50 years or even at the end, when I’ll be embarking for the final adventure. That is why I need to set milestones, little targets to be achieved. I go from one to the next, sometimes without pausing to think about the bigger picture. I take what I can, and leave the rest? What is the rest and what am I actually taking for me?
My head is too small for all these questions (my brain is also small), so I’ll stop before the headache sets in.